I feed off other people’s emotions, so therefore when I’m alone, I am numb, I am nothing, I feel nothing and I am apathetic to everything (Which is still a feeling, but you know what I mean.)

I think, I was being told I ‘needed’ someone because by myself…I revert back to most unemotional living creature there is. I am not there. I don’t know why, but I’m just not there. I haven’t been completely numb for a year or two and since then, I’ve done that feast of emotions I do. I guess, for so long I’ve been trying to make everyone happy, be what they want, please them, make things less complicated…and in that process I have completely lost who I am. Me, myself…It comes out when I’m with Josh. Perhaps because he makes me that happy, that secure, that safe…That loved. Sometimes, I find it dumb or redundant to even let people in! Sometimes I feel that it’s just a story I’m telling over and over again. Sure they have never heard my life story but this narrator, this main character…Is sick of catching people up to date. I’d rather have them know who I am NOW, not what I was. Yeah, I used to cut myself. Yeah, I was really depressed. Yeah, I let my anxiety and paranoia get over me. Yeah, I’ve done that, thought that, and done that. Yeah, I know exactly where you’re coming from but the only difference is I’ve done that when I was smaller. Shinji, I think I’m old. I am old because of my experiences. I’ve been told many times I am not in the right body or the right period in time. Or I’m am “old soul”. Ironically, I’m afraid of becoming physically old. Ahaha. That made me laugh. Anyways, I’m finally making my own decision. For a few years and during this past school year, one thing has been in my mind and has replayed it self to me over and over: I want to move in with my dad. I love my dad. Sure, I guess you could say that I love my mom and my step dad, but…The only reason I love them is because I’m “supposed” to. They want me to live with them so they have a steady flow of money, aside from their jobs, coming in from my dad. Not only had my mother reminded me many times I was just an excuse for child support but she did kick me out. I’m not holding a grudge or hating her, but just stating that did happen. My mother tries to buy me off, for example, I’m getting a hardship license in January…She bought me a car, is willing to put me on her phone bill and on her insurance. How nice, right? Only if I do a few things: Move in with her and change the address on my Texas ID/Driver’s License to her house, not my father’s. She’s the reason why I am like I am. She kept my from my father the majority of my life, made me choose, threatened, bribed, ect me. I was never able to make my own decisions so I guess somewhere along the line I just stopped caring to and just didn’t want to because I was afraid that I would hurt her or that she would reject me like she did my dad. My brother, was totally opposite. She could never control him, I wish I was like him. Back to the point…Perhaps the reason for my current state is not who I am but my environment. That made no sense, but…That’s all I have.

I've been looking for a few anime themes for a while now.
A while meaning, I finally got off my butt and realized how much music I'm missing...
Once had over 8,000 songs and now I have barely 4,000.
Anyways.

A list of songs I'm looking for:
"Tokhinate!" from Blue Gender (Both the English and Japanese version)
"Hitomi no Tsubasa" from Code Geass (It's the Second opening)


If anyone has them or knows where/how to get them, please inform me. =(
I might have to start downloading with torrents again instead of direct downloads. Ugh.

06.23.08



So, Josh is dropping me off before he's off to work and guess what.
That's right, after he drives off, I figure out that my front door is locked.
Meaning, all my other doors are locked.
My dad is at work, my brother took my key and where he is, unknown.
Do you know what that means for this 5'1" blonde little girl?
Awesome!
I get to walk to my dad's office in the heat.
That's not the bad part, I mean, I really do like walking.
What bothered me was six cars. Yes, six (6).
Six cars slowed down when they drove next to me, and all of them rolled down their windows and/or stared at me.
Aside from that, three (3) cars honked at me.
I felt like some cheap ho' on the street!
My dad laughed at me when I told him this happened...
When I asked why, he asked, "Only six slowed down? Ten should have!"

So, yes, that happened to me. After that, I went down to my favorite restaurant and had a very nice late lunch. [Kumori] for those who didn't know.

Now, I await Driver's Ed which starts at 6pm.  :D







--------------------


06.16.08


Today was amazing.
Disregarding my mother afterwards, it was unbelievable.
Alex, Ana, Chris, Josh and Judy came over to my house and not only spent some time with me, but they helped me escape from prison (A.K.A. my mother's house)
I'm so grateful for them too. They didn't have to, but they did.
Chris had work and probably had something better to do, but he came anyway.
Alex and Ana came all the way from Donna/Weslaco.
Judy and Josh, man, they are the best of friends.
Anyways, those people are so amazing. I love them so much.
I owe my life to them and love them more than they know!

I really do.



Maybe, it would be for the best, you know?
In the least there would be one less useless being on the face of the earth
So, no one trips over this trash.
So, no one will get hurt.


Kiss these wounds away, these haunting wounds that remind me of how fucking pathetic I am.
I am scum.
I want to be your scum.
.

To Becca (Who will never see this):
It's not even about who has what.
It's not even about who is superior.
No, it's not.
It's about what I miss about you.
It's about what I miss doing with you.
It's about that friendship we once shared.
It's about how much I've tried.
It's about how much time I've spent trying.
It's about how much I care.
It's about how much I love you.
It's about how much I need you.
Not anymore.
It's not about how much I need you.
It's not about how much I love you or miss you.
Go jump off Nagrand.
I tried.
I tried.
I will never be good enough.
I will never be what you want me to be.
I will never, ever say that I need you to live.
I will never, ever reduce myself to that level.

------------------------------------------------------------------








To Kii (Who will see this):
You're all that a friend could ask for.
You're funny.
You're nice.
You're there for me.
You're always willing to hang out with me no matter what.
You take me the way I am.
You take me without wanting to change me.
You are the ideal friend and best friend.
I can't imagine my life without you.
You make my day and even though:
We don't hang out 24/7
We don't talk 24/7
Sometimes I don't show how much you mean to me
I love you and will always do anything for you.
Have a happy birthday.  =D
I'm coming over to your house later, FTW.

SUMMER TIME

This summer, after those dreadful Semester Exams are over...
I am doing a few things.
Like...


-Play World of Warcraft (I haven't leveled or PVPed in forever)
-Take Driver's Ed
-Learn the Electric Guitar (Mother thought it would be a good idea...)
-Learn Cliffs of Dover (Eric Johnson) on the Electric Guitar- at least, part of it.
-Go on those diets again. I mean, not like I need to...But, still.
-Grow my hair out
-Start up my running again
-SLEEP




I think I have that covered somewhat.

Oh, and hang out with Kii. 8D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------




LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL

            The Exam schedule is as follows:




Monday:


Regular B Day


Tuesday


9am  to 11am:  2A

11am - 11:53am: Lunch

12pm - 2 pm:  4A


Wednesday


9am  to 11am:  2B

11am - 11:53am: Lunch

12pm - 2 pm:  4B


Thursday


9am  to 11am: 1A

11am - 11:53am: Lunch

12pm - 2 pm:  3A

Friday


9am  to 11am:  1B

11am - 11:53am: Lunch

12pm - 2 pm:  3B

2:01 pm School is over for my Freshmen year.

Are you dreaming?
I'm dreaming on the radio.

----

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
I thought so.

-----

Where Art Thou?

So, we have this poem to do in English.
Ha, that makes me laugh.
Beware of major conceitedness right now...
I used to be the class poet! ...Until My mother came to teach our class in 6th grade...
I used to be the class poet again! ...Until Daniel got that 7th and 8th graders like to rhyme...
I used to be the class po- Oh wait. Not this year.
Who has time for that?
Hell, I don't even write anymore.
How pathetic.
I am pathetic. "I hate me". - Kii  8D (That woman is love.)
How could i?
I thought I was good at that.
As if.
MOVING ON.
(I'm to lazy to write one at the moment, plus I have IPC homework and I should get some friends here, ha...)


----

IT WAS A...

So, the answer was still a no.
Yes, a no.
Ugh, that damn bastard.
Sorry, for my language.
Anyways...
About the "No".
I don't like that. Being told no, I mean. Then again who would?
However, I am somewhat relieved, yet at the same time, not.
How, I will never experience this or that, blah blah blah blah.

---

There are too many tests.
I've had at least one test a week or even daily, for the past few weeks.
What. The. Hell.
You'd think, they'd stop this once all the other Freshmen left.
No, they want more to leave.
Haha.


I have to go work on some homework on Electricity and that poem.

Well, it was.
People were engulfed in it.
It was sick.
It was disgusting.
How can they?
Why do they?
I know.
I know very well why they do those things...
I'm glad he walked in.
I'm glad there was a silence.
I'm glad it all ended.
I felt so dirty.
So, effing dirty.
I'm glad it all ended.


----



No, it's not about sex, if that's what you're thinking.
It happened at a party I went to tonight, something about...Just ask me if you're interested.

Anyways, I am bloody tired, therefore I propose that I sleep until 11 tomorrow, get ready, have Chris pick me up
AND HIT THE ROAD!
Which is what will essentially happen, I hope.
Anyways, it's all about JF. Oh my god, he is awesome.


I can't wait until June 7th, either.
Oh and June 6th, I will go see a movie with Kii and I think later today we are also. However, I'm not sure if Chris is willing to drive me to Sharyland while we're in McAllen. We'll see!

I was thinking about throwing a party (again) and that has been an off-and-on idea this month...Probably, not. Just a get-together.


I really wanted to play some Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts II and Chain of Memories this weekend too.
I also have to make some reviews...Oh joy...



Goodnight, Mortals.

The title, is real binary.
Can you figure it out?
If you can't, I'll tell you what it spells out. =)

----



The feelings continues on.
I should have skipped.
I should have just stalled on the day.
I should have not gone, even I ended up going half way through.
I should have just not gone.
All my efforts were...for the worse!


Basically, I didn't do two problems for Warrington and I couldn't turn it in. She has a strict policy on homework actually
being complete before you turn it in. Gee, I wonder why? Oh well. I cried. Broke my heart. I'm such a nerd. Oh well.

My To Do List (For Tonight):

- October Sky Writing
- Make a formula card for Mrs. Warrington' s 9 week exam and Semester exam
- Finish Budget part of the Proposal for ResTech
- Read History chapters for quiz tomorrow
- Fill out DJ application


My To Do List (For Morning):

- Get the Teacher part of the application out to Ms. Ashley and Mr. Stout
- Write down Mrs. Warrington' s schedule for next week
- Take Mrs. Moya' s Math Test that I missed today (Thursday, May 15th, 2008)

My To Do List (For Lunch):

- Remember to look over formula card


My To Do List (For this Weekend):

- Make a review for each 9 weeks Exam and Semester Exam
- Spend time with Kii  -I really don't need to put this here, I'd do it anyway o.o-


-----


Oh geez...


-----

It's real.
It has to be.
If it's not real then, I'm sorry but I am no longer living nor will I ever will.
It's real.
It has to be.

------



Why can't others feel sympathy regularly?


------


If it were all gone at this moment, I would be alone all along, it seems.


------




Yeah, it's sympathy that we need.

Perhaps I'm thinking about this too much.
That's right, I am.
It's all in my head and maybe if I stop thinking, it will just come to me and I shall forever be confident in my decisions forever more.
*Slaps self*
I'm so dumb. That will never happen.
Of course, I will think about it.
Telling myself not to, will lead me to think about it!
Even right now, I am thinking about the one thing that troubles me the most in life at the moment...
One word: Moving.
Seriously, what's up with that?
I thought I wanted to.
I thought I was so ready to get out of this dumpster town, this boring city of mine.
I thought wrong.
I'm not ready, and I can see that by the way, I feel when I think about leaving her.
I can't.
Why?
I don't know.
It's so silly, I guess.
I just can't.
I could steal her away!      (I don't think her parents would take to kindly to that.)
I will never know how I truly feel until I do it, but I've decided not to.
I want to stay.
I want to hold onto this friendship longer. I can't imagine my life without this person.
Oh dear, I sound like a love-sick puppy of some sort, but it's not even that...

---

What a first post this is!
I'm getting tired. *Sigh*